photo: tanakawho
Today is my father’s birthday. It is also Martin Luther King’s birthday. And in Japan, where I grew up, it is a national holiday.
I know you are curious about this so I will tell you that when I was growing up it was Seijin No Hi or Coming of Age Day for everyone about to turn 20. Everyone got dressed up, went to shrines, took pictures and ate and drank a lot. In 2000 though, they moved that holiday and now it is Tondo, a day when all New Year’s paraphernalia are burned in bonfires. This is interesting don’t you think? You make resolutions and wishes and tie them on a tree but 2 weeks later, you kind of say, ‘ok-done with that- let’s move on.’
Anyway I am stalling here because today’s post is a sensitive one. Yesterday I was cragfast knowing I should look at my stuck and not wanting to. And then… Holy Shiva Nata (think Robin of Batman and Robin) Havi posted about writing letters to your stuck. So I slowly inched off of my crag. Picked up my pen… and realized I couldn’t really write a letter yet since I wasn’t entirely sure what it was. So first I needed to talk to it to find out. I won’t bore you with the details. My stuck was more than a little peeved that I couldn’t recognize it.
I experienced it as huge and overbearing and it turns out…it was none other than…intimacy! And I couldn’t recognize it. This was sad. For me and for the stuck. Here is a brief excerpt of the letter I wrote to intimacy:
I am afraid of being overpowered by you. I am afraid of losing me. And I am equally afraid of being seen in all my imperfections. When I started shiva nata I felt like I lost a few layers of protection. I felt lighter but also more exposed. I am afraid that you have a dark side. In seeing me you may not be gentle with my weaknesses. I first need to see me and accept all of me. I am also worried that if you are too nice, too wonderful, I won’t trust you. So please be patient. Now I know who you are. That is good. I like that we are slowly developing a relationship. I want you to trust that in time, I will move toward vulnerability and deeper connection. Don’t scare me too much because then I fall back on all kinds of protective patterns that are really not helping me and will get between us.
So on to another day. More Shiva Nata. More looking. More listening. More getting to know the contours of intimacy…
This is really lovely. And brave. And again, I totally see myself in your words.
Last night I went and bought the “Healthy Boundaries” spray that Havi mentioned. There’s no intimacy spray, but there are comfort, harmony, and trust sprays! http://feelgoodenergyshift.com/products/
Thanks Suzyn- “Healthy Boundaries” sounds interesting. Mine might be too healthy! let me know how it goes… trust spracy sounds promising. I will look into it.